On 7th October 2024 it was the second anniversary of my brother’s untimely death at the age of 51 from an aggressive melanoma cancer.

On 8th October it was the second anniversary of the trauma of being told of his death in a round robin e-mail that my father forwarded to me after he had already sent it to his friendship group. 

I felt betrayed in my first few hours of knowing, but then when I saw my parents I knew they were gaslighting me over the facts, as they had all my life. 

I was proved right.  Not long after that day I discovered that a family friend had been telling my parents for months leading up to my brother death that they needed to tell me, but my parents chose not to. 

Hardest of all was finding out that my brother had been calling out my name in the last few days of his life, and once again my parents chose not to act on it. 

In the two years since those events, and I closed the door on my parents forever, I’ve been on a journey that’s involved grief, forgiveness, acceptance and ultimately letting go in relation to my brother, my parents and myself.  My brother’s death stirred up memories, emotions, feelings and trauma from my past. Some were positive, the overwhelming majority were negative. Some I shared with my brother. Some were those only he experienced, and some only I experienced. 

As anyone who has experienced grief and letting go will know, it’s a rollercoaster of good days, bad days and tough weeks. If you’re not careful it can cause you to mentally spiral into the past fast. I’ll be honest – that’s exactly what I was doing for the first year as I tried to understand why the death of my brother didn’t make my parents want to step outside of their comfort  zone,  into  their  learning  and  change zone, reach out to their surviving daughter and be prepared to get uncomfortable by revisiting the past in order to health our relationship.

The truth is, I will never know why they haven’t, and given our history over the last 20 years, I probably wouldn’t trust them if they did. Our family, dysfunctional as it was, has gone. It’s time to accept and move on. Besides, I have always believed that actions    speak    louder    than   words, especially   in relationships. My parents would have to step out of their comfort zone, into their learning and change zone, do some self-reflection and get uncomfortable with their emotions by revisiting the past in order for us to fix our relationship. They are not going to turn up on my front door saying sorry, because they have never believed that they’ve done anything wrong to cause our relationship breakdown.  They have never been willing to do that. Not even the death of their son has changed that. 

What has helped me climb out of my downward grief spiral is the following Buddhist Proverb. It reads:

In each loss there is a gain,

as in every gain there is a loss,

and with each ending comes a new beginning.

It made me realise that I need to accept the ending so I can start my new beginning. I need to start doing what I’ve always done in every area of my life over the last 20 years and apply it to the present; Focus on the positives, gratitude’s and gains from the loss of my brother and my parents.  

So, I started to list the losses and think about the gratitude’s and gains.

When my brother died, I lost the one person in this world who I didn’t have to explain, justify or defend myself to when it came to my estrangement from my parents, because we had a shared lived experience of our emotionally dysfunctional family. At the same time I  gained  the gratitude that he is no longer living in that emotionally dysfunctional family. He tried to leave many times, but only I succeeded. 

When my brother died, I lost the chance to grow old with him.  However, I gained the chance to spend time with the happy memories of him, and travel to places that I know were special to him. Through his wife I also gained my first experience of Airbnb!

When I got married and my father chose not to get on a plane to come to my wedding so he could give me away, I lost respect for my father. I never imagined he wouldn’t be there for me as I started a new and significant chapter of my life. What I gained was the belief that I deserve to be loved and supported unconditionally and with kindness and compassion, all of which I gained through my father-in-law Frank.

When I went no-contact with my parents I lost financial security and any possibility of receiving a financial inheritance. What I gained was financial independence and the ability to make mistakes and start to create financial freedom for myself through my hard work, decisions and yes – by making mistakes.

When I went no-contact with my parents I lost my place in the family which was quickly filled by my cousin, and I quickly became the outcast. I gained the realisation that for my parents, they’re just not willing to do whatever it takes to fix our relationship.

We all place a different value on different losses and gains. Its why different people will make different decisions under the same circumstances.

Doing this exercise has enabled me to accept that I will never get closure. I acknowledge and accept the losses, appreciate and have gratitude for the gains, and have created my new beginning. I have finally let go of the hope I had for many years that my parents will step into their learning and change zone if it means they can have a healthy relationship with me. I accept that even the death of my brother hasn’t changed anything. Their fear is too overwhelming.

It’s time to focus on a new beginning and my Best Life. I will ensure that my brother is a part of that in the short term  as I continue to light a candle for him every night and continue to focus on creating the financial freedom and independence in my life that he never had in his own. 

In the longer term, I will take my brother with me in my heart as my husband and I focus on our Best Life: moving to the place where my brother was happiest, into a house overlooking the River Dart where we will feel safe, relaxed, happy, content, thankful and inspired. Where we can sit in our garden and just enjoy the view with two dogs and three cats. Where we can enjoy time on the river in a small river-cruiser boat.  Where I continue to help people through Clutter Clearing, and my husband can volunteer with animals. 

I’ve been able to recognise, appreciate and have gratitude for the gains that came from a loss. It’s time to stop self-harming by questioning and reliving my past by accepting that I will never get the answers, closure or change I wanted. I can only control my own life. I’m ready to focus on myself, my future and living my Best Life. I need to take the gains and focus on living my Best Life which I finally believe I deserve.

When I read the Buddhist Proverb it got me thinking. My brother died at the age of 51 years and 101 days. I don’t want us to both have our ending at the same age. I want – I need – to take his ending and turn it into my new beginning. So, I have set a goal date to see the seedlings of my new beginning appearing in my life.

Ironically, I will be 51 years and 101 days old on my mother’s 81^st birthday. I’ve created SMARTER goals to achieve by then so that I have a plan to start seeing the seedings of my new beginning appear by that date. 

I have now reached a point where I can see that the gains of the past 20 years far outweigh the losses. For me, the last two years can be best summed up in the following powerful quote, author unknown:

One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. 

Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. 

Change is never easy.

We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.