Clare’s Clutter Clearing Story

It’s ironic that on the day the last edition of the Chronicle arrived from the printers, in which I wrote about my family relationship clutter and my estrangement from my parents, my big brother passed away from an aggressive melanoma cancer that took him in just 9 months.

I hadn’t been told he was ill. I wasn’t told he was dying. My father told me he’d died by forwarding me a round robin e-mail the day after he passed. 

The minute I picked up that e-mail, 2 hours after it was sent (because I protect my time by only checking my e-mails 3 times a day), I jumped in the car with my husband and made the 1½ hour journey to my parent’s house to find out what had happened.

I had chosen not to have my parents in my life, but my brother was still very much a part of my life. 

My parents told me that Simon had sent me an e-mail telling me about his illness when he was diagnosed 2 days before Christmas last year. I never got that e-mail, although its existence is now in question. I was also told that Simon was adamant I wasn’t to be told. 

I didn’t go to Simon’s funeral because it didn’t feel appropriate under the circumstances, but I got to say a private goodbye at the funeral home.

The last time I saw Simon was before Covid. We met up twice a year around our birthdays. Like me, Simon struggled with clutter. Physical clutter, weight clutter and relationship clutter with my parents stemming from being sent to boarding school at the age of 7. Like me he had no emotional bond with our parents. 

As a result of our family dynamics, family history, unresolved  issues,  grief  and  trauma  from  his  past, Simon surrounded himself with ‘stuff’ to feel safe and secure. Like me he also formed an emotional bond to food and struggled with his weight throughout his life. Like many clutterholics and hoarders, he never reached the point of wanting to face and deal with his clutter – a fact my parents struggled to accept. 

Our family played out the classic clutterholic family cycle. For my brother and I our physical clutter and emotional eating were coping mechanisms. For our parents they were problems that needed to be dealt with as quickly as possible – forget about understanding and dealing with the WHY.

I don’t blame my parents for that. I see and hear the frustration of lots of family members who want to ‘help’ their cluttered loved one and find it hard to accept that their loved one has to be prepared to go to some uncomfortable places in their past and accept and deal with past traumas they’ve avoided for years. They have to be willing to put in the time, energy and effort.

Building a Bond

Covid

When Covid hit we couldn’t meet up, and as he had always been someone who avoided speaking on the phone, our contact became only e-mails and text messages. His wife is classed as vulnerable, so meeting up wasn’t easy.

In his birthday e-mail to me in 2020 he told me he was struggling with his mental health – he was diagnosed with manic depression 30 years ago after 2 suicide attempts.

Whenever Simon was struggling with his mental health, I always gave him the space he needed. 30 years of living with his highs and lows had taught me to respect the way he managed it to ensure he prevented another episode. I never pushed or pressurised him. I always knew he would get back in touch when he felt up to it. This time he never did. I thought he just needed more time. If only I’d known….

Friends of the family have been telling me what actually went on over the 9 months of my brother’s life, and their version of events is very different to my parents’ version. Friends are surprised I’m not angry and desperate to find out the ‘truth’. Why do I seem so accepting of what’s happened? 

Because we all have a choice in how we react to things, and I choose not to get drawn into the drama of the past. BCC (Before Clutter Clearing) I would have over-analysed and   searched for the truth’. Yet ironically my brothers passing has made me realise how important and valuable all the learning, accepting and letting go techniques that I’ve learnt over the past 20 years are to my present and future.

I’m not angry because I learnt from clearing my clutter that there is no one ‘truth’ to find. We all have a different perspective and version of the same ‘truth’ of any given situation or experience. Finding a version of the truth that I choose to accept won’t change the past. 

Letting Go